POF. Take one.

      I should have left the moment I was done picking her up off the bar floor cause she was whipping her hair too aggressively, became disoriented and toppled over. I did not deserve this.
      I was on my very first pof date with a girl who I will refer to as Princess Beyonce, for reasons I don't want to get into now. I wanted to laugh and cry throughout the whole experience. Needless to say, things did not go as well as anticipated.
      I became intrigued with PB when I came across her profile during a late night pof sesh. She was cute and had written about herself on her page so I knew at once my two main requirements had already been fulfilled...attractive and literate. I struck pof gold and was in love. I gave her my number and she immediately began texting me the next day when I was nursing the worst hangover of my life. Have you ever tried to have a text conversation mid dry heave? Not fun. She was already annoying me and I should have taken that as a sign from the Gods but seeing as how I haven't had sex in a while (68 days 14 hours 37 minutes 9 seconds) I wasn't exactly in a position to be picky. She told me about a bar in West Hollywood that her and her friends go to every Wednesday and asked if I wanted to meet up. I of course agree and bring along my big hetero pof accomplice, Jessica. Why you ask? I'll tell you. On first dates I tend to overlook my potential future mate's personality/morals/character in lieu of her boobs/ass/any and all other body parts. Jessica, being the penis loving woman she is, is not distracted by a woman's delicate areas and can properly judge her on qualites that actually matter like intelligence, humor, sincerity, blah blah blah. We're a good team like that.
      Wednesday approaches and I'm giddy with anticipation of getting laid, I mean meeting a nice girl who could potentially be my better half. However, my dreams are quickly dashed when Jessica and I stroll into a tiny dive bar to find literally the drunkest girl I have EVER seen. There she is, my date. In all her inebriated beauty. I've never partied with Lindsay Lohan but I have to assume her drunken stupor is akin to what I was witnessing with Princess Beyonce.  Her and her roommates, who were equally as trashed, were all grinding on each other, pelvic thrusting, flinging their arms while intermittently making out. I felt dirty just watching them and thought it would maybe stop when we went over to say hello. It did not. I introduced myself and after PB stared at me for a solid 6 seconds trying to figure out who I was, she immediately started back 'dancing' (I use that term loosely). Jessica and I stood there giving each other that 'what the fuck is going on around us?' look while PB's hotmess roommate stuck a feather extension in Jessica's hair and told us how they guzzled a bottle of Jim Beam before entering the bar. Knowing this, I lose all hope of a successful date and all I can do is sit back and watch the hilarity unfold before my eyes.
      She throws herself around the bar for the next hour. She falls. She tries to speak but it sounds more like random sounds from outer space than actual words. She acknowleged my existance once, when she showed me a picture of her 3 lb. dog dressed in a Halloween sweater vest. She awkwardly kisses and caresses numerous girls right in front of me. She stumbles out of the bar without saying goodbye. She is Princess Beyonce. She is my very first pof date.

jessica's first pof experience

we started pofing on a tuesday, come friday night i already had roughly 8 guys i was in serious communications with. one gentleman in particular struck my fancy so i took our relationship to the next level, i gave him my phone number.
we had been sexting for days and after a solid 20 minute phone call i knew he was the one i wanted to pop my pof cherry. he was cute and funny and charming and witty... blah blah blah, bottom line he was loaded and vodka was his alcohol of choice.
we decided to meet up at the spectrum for a few cocktails. i phoned my lover before leaving my apartment. he told me where to meet him and that the bar was right by the valet as if he were implying i should just valet my car. i drive a ford focus, valet is not an option for shumcks like me. so i meet him outside and he looks just like he did in his pictures, only flaw so far is that he is shorter in person. he promtly tells me that he is actually just wrapping up dinner with his boss and asks if i can wait outside for a cool minute while he pays the bill. this clearly should have been a red flag but as someone who was looking to get drunk on someone elses dime, i didn't see a problem.
 i found a bench and called my big lesbian roommate, brittany. while we were chatting a 14 year old girl, smoking a cigarette, approached me and asked if she could use my cell phone to call her mom. i told her no as i was using my phone already, she rolled her eyes and walked away. youth these days.
he comes back out 30 minutes later and is visibly drunk, still not a turn off. we go to yardhouse and get a few drinks. the conversation is one sided. all he talked about was the year he spent in costa rica, i personally couldn't have cared less. after about 45 minutes he threw  $50 on the table and asked if i was ready to go. the song, oh you fancy huh, obviously popped into my head.  i didn't think i would be able to get another drink and still have some of the $50 left over for a tip so i agreed it was time to leave. i am slightly relieved at this point because im pretty sure he had entered into the blacked out stage of his drunkeness. at one point he took the lime from his drink and tried to squeeze it into the candle because it was too bright. the candle was fake.
turns out i have to drive him home, his vehicle was conveniently located in his garage. we get to his house and he asks if i want to come inside. i love seeing how other people live their lives so i say yes immediately. we make out a little bit and his roommates walk in the door. they are real obnixious and i can tell that's my cue to leave.
i got home shortly after midnight too sober and fairly antsy. while i was washing my face, getting ready for bed, i noticed a mark on my neck that didn't wash off. son of a bitch gave me a hickey. i find it disturbing when people have hickey's past the age of 17. needless to say, pof date # 1 was not a great success, but if at first you don't succeed, try try again. pof on.

love at first pof

our evening started out normal enough. brittany and i were laying in my bed, sipping our budlights, when we made the active decision to dabble in online dating. there had been plenty of adds on facebook promoting plentyoffish.com (pof) so that seemed like the logical choice. facebook hasn't let me down in the past, why would it start now? we were forced to dig deep into ourselves in order to answer such personal questions as, would you ever date a smoker? once our profiles were created bitches be blowin up our inboxes like it was their job. things progressed quickly and before we knew it we each had dates lined up. hilarity ensued